The One Thought

There are only ever three thoughts in my mind at any one time: what I am doing right now, what I will be doing next and you. Always you.
Right now I'm thinking about driving this car, turning the wheel, changing the gears, gently pressing the brake as red lights flash on in front of me. I'm also thinking about what to do when I get home. I might go for a run, write in my diary or just relax in a hot bath; sounds good to me. Then there is you. Always you.
I want it to be soft, all the time. Soft music, gentle touch, sweet tastes. But the world is hard and solid like a gobstopper that cracks against your teeth as you move it around your mouth. A rough, lumpy gobstopper. One that has chunks taken out of it and slashes running through it. The world is rough and jilting. I slam on my brakes, not gently this time, a jerky movement that surprises me, brings me back to the jagged edges of the world.
I screw my eyes up tight and open them again quickly. Dry and rough just like the world. But I want it to be soft like feathers and warm water droplets. You make me feel soft. I wish I could only think of you, only you and not the doing; not the acting, not the moving, not the seeing. If you could reach me I would never have to touch the jagged edges of the world, I would never have to slap my foot against the brakes, tensing my neck muscles and straining my spine. I could float through life on a cloud of emptiness.
There is no space in the world for this kind of love. No space in the world for nothing but you. They always want me to make a plan, decide what to do, take action. I don't want to act I just want to think about you.
I indicate and turn the corner carefully, just as they taught me to. Hands at ten to two and feed the wheel through. I don't want to follow the rules, but the stars are staring down at me, judging me, burning holes into my skin. I could live without stars if I had you. We never really see them as they are now. We only see an echo of what they have been, light years ago. I never get to see you, not even the shadow of your past and it feels like a knife edge scraping across the surface of my skin.
I glance up at the sky and all the stars disappear. A cloud is suffocating them now. Eyes on the road, careful, careful.
I can't concentrate for much longer. You are taking over my mind; drowning me in warm watery softness. My heart is thumping in my chest, but it sounds soft, muffled, pink. The world drifts out of focus, becomes blurry and soft. It is better that way. It takes away the jagged edges and everything blends into a mass of water coloured blots. I can still see the road, still follow the red lights in front of me, but the other thoughts in my head are fading now. It is beautiful. I have never been able to take away the other two thoughts before. The movement of the car makes me feel weightless and stationary, just you rocking me gently from side to side. I close my eyes and a warmth strokes my skin, tickling my face and smoothing my hair. Gently moving from side to side my muscles relax just a little and my breathing slows. My heart is caressing my lungs and my body is in perfect harmony as you drift closer to me until there is just you. Only you. You and the softness of the new world, a world of pink and blue and green. There are no shapes now, only colours and warmth, warmth and colours. My fingers begin to tingle and my legs are swinging loose. Free. Free from the sharp corners and blade-like sides of the world. There is only you, you , you.
I feel a jolt and the car seat becomes real again just for a second, bouncing me up and down until I don't land, only float again. But it's nothing to worry about, I can still follow the lights in front of me, even through the haze.
Another jolt. A scrape. It quickly fades from my hearing as the warmth surrounds me, hugging me safe and close. I will never be alone again. The world can not hurt me now. I wanted it to be soft and so it is. Soft like honey. Sticky. You are all around me, you are everything there is. I drift again and the world is yellow, I never thought it could be...

"She's dead sir. Sorry." The policeman had forgotten to remove his helmet when he entered the house.
The man just stared at his hands as they removed the hat, fixing on it even as he lay it in his lap.
"I...do you understand what I am saying sir? We have no idea what happened, just lost control I guess. Can happen to anyone. You are her next of kin aren't you? Sir? You are Mr Wayde, aren't you? Sir can you hear me? I know you have had a shock, but there are things we need to know. Did she suffer with depression? Was she taking any medication? For the record sir."
The man raised his hand slowly as if requesting to speak. His eyes never left the hat, but his voice was strong and clear.
"No. She was happy. I know it."