Living in my Mind

I'm scared. In fact, I'm terrified.

I have checked all the facts; nothing odd or strange. It all fits. But it shouldn't fit. When it comes to instability, nothing should fit this perfectly, that's the nature of the thing. Surely.

It does though. I've spent a while with it in the back of my head, wondering, guessing. Until I say it outloud it won't be real. But the feelings are real; I can't deny it to myself. Not really.

I'm still scared.

More scared than a broken leg, or a bad case of liver damage. Im not sure if I'll ever repair, I don't know if it can heal itself.

Nothing has to change, I suppose. Life will be the same as it was before, perhaps even better. At least now I know what I'm dealing with. Still don't know what to do about it, but I guess I can stop feeling guilty. Not a chance. That really is the nature of the thing. Guilty is what I do.

I think at least now I can understand a bit more. Understand the way some people treat me when they figure it out. They saw it all before I did, no doubt about that; but it's not unusual. Some people never believe it of themselves. It feels almost like a relief. I don't have to be a failure, just messed up. I don't have anyone to blame, but at least I don't have to blame myself. I can do something about it without having to begrudge the sacrifice I make. Now it's a sacrifice I have to make, before it was just a punishment. It won't get better, but I can stop paying pennance.

I don't have to scared anymore, I feel like I can start to understand. If I can control it then I don't have to worry again. The weight hasn't been lifted, not yet, but I can feel it easing every minute. Just like the lithium I'm afraid of what I'm leaving behind, but I'm looking forward to the future of no fear. I can stop feeling responsible for my own misery, even reject those feelings that turn people away. Maybe I can even get better.

But now that I know the reasoning, what if it gets worse? When I think about the potential that has been there all along I wonder how I have managed to stay this safe. I know what it can lead to and what it can do, I think about it and I can't breathe. My heart is racing and I'm picturing the scene. I don't want to describe it, the grabbing, pulling, punching, slashing violence of it all. Now I'm terrified again.

I can control it, if I understand it. Not in a power hungry, I must be the best way. Perhaps I don't mean to control it. I think I mean I hope I can live in harmony together with it; so that it won't take over, won't run me out of control. That I can accept it and carry myself through the hard times and into the good without hurting anyone at all. I hope I can carry it with pride and use the bad times to understand it more, learn what it can give me and take the good sides out of it. Maybe one day it will leave me alone and I will be in peace, but I don't remember a time when I was; don't know what there is to miss out on.

I am proud of my mind, even though I don't understand it. We will travel together, it and me, to make whole what has always been lacking and to carry what has always been dragged.